Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My hand turned me down
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
