had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
