So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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