I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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