Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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