I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
