WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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