Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
