Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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