both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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