Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
