i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
