I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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