I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
