Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
