he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
