Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
