New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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