I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
