i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he fucked my hip out of place.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
