He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
