I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
