I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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