Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
