she looked like the before picture.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
