I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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