here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
