I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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