omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
