hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
