security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
