I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
