On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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