are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
