Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
and she was petting her beer can
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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