Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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