Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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