I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
