the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
