Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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