I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
