My sheets look like a crime scene.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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