I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
