Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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