Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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