Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
