totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
