maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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