I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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