You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
