she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found puke in my bra..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
