I CAN MOONWALK!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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