Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
