You were right. It hurts to walk today.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
